An entwined family or relationship robs you of your sense of
self, tying your well-being, self-esteem, and emotional support to the pair or
family as a whole, resulting in difficult partner or family dynamics. Esther
Perel, a psychotherapist, offers advice on how to recognize enmeshment.
What Is An Enmeshed Relationship?
People's identities become entwined with those of their
family or friend group in enmeshed relationships. Enmeshment is a type of
codependency that occurs in unhealthy relationships. Enmeshment is commonly
discussed by psychiatrists in the context of parent-child relationships, but it
can also occur in romantic relationships and friend groups.
Enmeshed parents leave no emotional space for their
children, which means that children will struggle to have their own emotions
and will feel those of their parents. There are also no physical boundaries;
parents and children will spend all of their time together in a shared space.
Over-involvement, a lack of personal boundaries, and codependent relationships
can result from family enmeshment.
4 Causes of Enmeshed Relationships
An entwined family unit can be caused by a number of
factors. Take a look at the following causes:
1. Family history: Enmeshment is frequently cyclical. If a
parent grew up in a close-knit family, they are more likely to exhibit the same
pattern of behavior.
2. Low self-esteem: Adult children who have low self-esteem
may become overly reliant on their parents.
3. Inadequate socialization: When people are unable to form
their own identities or pursue their own interests, they may unintentionally
create unhealthy dependencies in the family system.
4. Traumatic events: A traumatic event (such as a child
surviving a near-death experience) may cause parents' healthy boundaries to
deteriorate. The parents may create forced cohesion in the lives of the parent
and child, forming a close family out of fear and anxiety.
Tips for Identifying Enmeshed Relationships
Learn how to spot signs of enmeshment and recognize them in
relationship patterns so you can start setting boundaries and prioritizing your
own needs.
Define your emotional needs as well as your personal space.
Healthy relationships require time apart as well as time together. A lack of
both can result in unhealthy dynamics.
Keep an eye out for a lack of boundaries. Everyone's
experiences are unique, but in enmeshed groups, relationship dynamics become
unhealthily fused.
Check to see if you have a separate identity from your
family members. People in enmeshed families avoid external conflict or expect
their family to save them from it, and they lack a sense of self outside of the
family unit, making it difficult to connect with others.
What Are the Effects of Enmeshed Relationships?
People who are deeply involved in romantic or family
relationships may become immature, codependent, and ill-equipped to deal with
emotional complexity. In the long run, this behavior can lead to personality
and mental health disorders. If adolescents leave home for college and have no
sense of self outside of their family, they may suffer from low self-esteem or
mental illness because they don't know who they are outside of their family.
Close family bonds are important, but when they become controlling, the child
and their future suffer.
How to Set Boundaries
There are numerous ways to establish boundaries in your
relationships. Try these three suggestions:
Define your boundaries. Understand what you are and are not
comfortable with. Setting healthy boundaries in relationships is critical. An
open discussion can pave the way to success for both parties.
Get used to saying "no." You can disempower
yourself by saying "yes" all the time, especially in uncomfortable
situations. Reclaim your power by learning to say "no" to things that
push your buttons.
Remind people of their limits. Setting boundaries may be
unfamiliar to you and your partner or family members. That means you may need
to restate them; try not to be bothered by this. In most cases, everyone in
this new dynamic is doing their best. Allow time for development and
acceptance.
How to Overcome Enmeshment
Consider the following solutions to enmeshment:
Family therapy can help reveal buried pain and unspoken
struggles, allowing parents to see the damage they've inflicted and how to
repair it before it's too late for the child's maturation.
Open communication: Setting boundaries with parents or loved
ones and explicitly stating when they can spend time together can help
establish guidelines and support the healing process of the enmeshed group.
pursuing hobbies: One of the most effective ways to overcome
enmeshment is to create your own identity. Pursuing your interests gives you a
stronger sense of self and motivation to be your own capable, driven, and
engaged person.
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